Hopeful Parents, Hopeful Sons

Over a century ago, the great Catholic writer and philosopher G.K. Chesterton wrote about the distinction between the supernatural virtue of hope and the disposition popularly referred to as “optimism.” On the eve of his reception into the Catholic Church, Chesterton was struck by the Penny Catechism’s teaching that the two sins against hope are presumption and despair. He reflected: “The heresies that have attacked human happiness in my time, have all been variations either of presumption or of despair; which, in the controversies of modern culture, are called optimism and pessimism.”

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Christian hope, in other words, is not synonymous with simple optimism. The latter is a passive desire; the former is a purposeful action. While an immature conception of hope, common to many people today, is a passive desire for a good outcome—the vague belief that things will work out for the best regardless of one’s own action—true hope is a confidence in the future based both on one’s own purposeful action in the pursuit of a good and an unshakable belief in the support of God and others. A classic example of the first kind of “hope” is a boy who ardently “hopes” he did not fail a test, while giving little consideration to the study habits necessary to achieve the desired end. A boy who hopes to make the soccer team and, because of this hope, spends the summer preparing himself for tryouts, exhibits the second type of hope. Though the ultimate outcome is not entirely in his hands, it is not entirely out of them either; and if he lacked hope in making the team, he would not practice at all.

Importantly, the hopeful person’s confidence in the future is not the result of a delusion about the challenges of a situation. The hopeful person sees with clear eyes the present reality in which he finds himself. He does not deceive himself with nice-sounding phrases, nor does he simply avert his gaze from what appears undesirable. Indeed, what makes him hopeful is not that he sees less of reality, but that he opens his eyes to more of it. The hopeful person has a wide lens.

As parents and educators, we hope—in the truest sense of the word—that our boys will become loyal, courageous, prudent, God-fearing men of service. We know that we cannot entirely determine this outcome for any particular boy, but we also know that our efforts are not futile. We hope for this outcome with the knowledge that our current culture presents many challenges to this end. And we can hope for this outcome because, while remaining completely aware of the facts about our present situation, we also perceive the intangible realities that are working for the good of our boys. These intangibles include the love for and devotion of parents, who are willing to sacrifice so much for their sons; and the dedication of so many other adults in their lives, who are attuned to their needs and who recognize their challenges. So, though divorce may still remain high, church attendance low, and mental disorders on the rise, parents can hope for their sons to become virtuous, God-fearing men because these data points are not the only facts about reality, nor are they the most important ones. Indeed, the most important facts, which are causes for hope, are the fact of their deep-seated love for their son, and the grace of God who, as Chesterton’s Fr. Brown tells us, has every boy caught with an unseen hook and an invisible line long enough to let him roam as far as his freedom carries him and still bring him home with a twitch upon the thread.

Now, to get practical, how can parents and educators raise boys to be hopeful, faithful, loving men? In short, by creating formative micro-cultures that filter (not block out entirely) the macro-culture. The first and irreplaceable micro-culture is the home. Schools and other institutions can help parents educate their children, but the home remains the most important and influential place of formation. Here are a few practical ideas for creating domestic micro-cultures that foster hope:

• Avoid complaining, especially in front of your children. Complaining—which is different in tone than thinking through a situation out loud—makes one blind to the opportunities for growth hidden in a challenge by framing the situation negatively. It is depressing insofar as it tends to position oneself as a powerless victim in an undesirable situation, making one feel worse about himself and the world. Habitual complaining shades one’s perspective and shapes one’s emotional responses. In this regard, even a few complaints can have a powerful effect on young boys, who lack the wider context within which to understand the complaint. While we, as adults, may be able to see a particular complaint as one response among many to a given situation, young boys don’t have the experience to see the wider frame and instead easily turn a few complaints into a fact about the world.

• Curb 24/7 news consumption, particularly around the kids. Since what we call the news is for the most part gloom and doom, exposing boys to a constant barrage of news coverage and commentary is a bad idea. Pope Benedict XVI said that “only when the future is certain as a positive reality can you then live in the present.” If the future is presented as scary or negative, it impedes the ability of young people to live in the moment and may sap them of ambition.

• Be a positive model of hopefulness, not anxiety. Even low level anxiety can easily be transmitted to our boys. We all know the feeling of the air becoming tense because of the anxiety of someone in the room. How to deal with anxiety? Here’s one way to think about it. Anxiety equals perceived threat over perceived opportunity. To lower anxiety, we can either decrease the numerator or increase the denominator. What really is the worst thing that could happen in a situation? How likely is it, really, that the possible negative outcome will occur? What do we actually know about a given situation and what are we projecting on to it? What virtues or skills can I practice in and through this challenge? One thing that can help with anxiety is taking a step back and seeing the particular challenge in the wider context of one’s whole life. How often do we narrate tragedies to ourselves and thereby cause undue worry. As Mark Twain put it, “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, most of which never happened.”

• Be thankful for what we have. To be grateful is to recognize that one is the recipient of a gift or gifts. Recognizing this reality, which is so easy to forget, implies that the world is fundamentally good and, ultimately, that the Creator of the world wants to give me gifts. Gratitude opens one’s eyes to the good of a situation and trains one to see reality in a positive light. Gratitude is an antidote to complaining. While complaining places one in the position of passive victim, gratitude disposes one to be an active recipient of goods and opportunities. In this way, gratitude is a sister of hope.

• Cultivate a sense of history, which gives a healthy perspective on difficulties. Historical knowledge widens the scope of one’s vision, allowing one to see challenges in their proper perspective. What seems like a mountain, when compared to a real mountain, more easily becomes a molehill. Equally important is choosing the right episodes in history to convey. I suggest presenting the stories of great men and women, which can help boys see their own lives as adventures.

• Surround them with the right mentors to facilitate a life of virtue. A voice of counsel outside the parental context can be crucial in reinforcing the micro-culture we are seeking to transfer. If nothing else, having another voice that reinforces the message parents send will help a boy see that his parents are not, in fact, as crazy as he may sometimes feel.

Related Links:

From Anxiety to Adventure with Dr. Kevin Majeres

Parenting from Fear: Reasons for Confidence with Alvaro de Vicente

Metaphor Control by Dr. Matthew Mehan

Parenting: Optimism or Patience with Andrew Reed